It’s so precious to watch someone go on Tinder for the first time. They’re so young and so open-minded. So full of hope. Every person has potential. Every selfie is worth a second chance.God, they even like the bios.
Yet, as time passes, as the profiles become more steadily familiar, you can feel the cynicism creep into their tender little swiping finger.
Yet another bro who loves whiskey and adventures? Yet another lady, who’s NOT LOOKING FOR HOOKUPS? And just when they think they’ve found the one, they scroll down to his bio and discover that’s he’s looking to explore “this great city” with no — please don’t complete this sentence — “his partner in crime?”
These tropes are as old as time, as ancient as OkCupid. And while there’s technically nothing wrong with “loving your family” (I guess), it’s exhausting to scroll through the same misspelled clichés, attached to the same distorted selfies.
Here is just a small, small sampling of Tinder trends that need to die in 2016.
1. The phrase “partners in crime.”
2. Pizza, pizza puns, pizza emoji
3. When their bio says they love exploring this “great city”
4. Or biking around “this great city”
5. They just love this great city!!!
6. Netflix as an interest
7. “Netflix and chill … lol”
8. Coffee, coffee puns, coffee emoji
9. INFJs and ENFJS and LMNOPS everywhere
10. Random “zodiac sign” looking for random “zodiac sign”
11. “NO HOOKUPS PLEASE” (always written in caps lock)
12. “Guys, if you’re not at least (height) swipe left”
13. Photos where it’s completely impossible to tell who the person is
14. “It’s so hard to summarize myself in a bio.” (Proceeds to summarize themselves in a bio)
15. “Not looking for anything serious”
16. Inspirational quotes that just happen to be misspelled
17. Emoji sequences that make absolutely no sense
18. Traveling the world (That’s not a statement of interest, but a statement of income).
19. Going out, or staying in!
20. No drama (= tremendous drama)
21. “Please be funny!” (Note: This always appears when there is no evidence of them being funny)
22. Sapiosexual (Science says: It’s not a real thing!)
23. Photos that make them look like they have a baby when they DO NOT have a baby
24. Photos that make them look they have a husband when they DO NOT have a husband
25. Photos that make them look like they DON’T have a husband when they DO and they are NOT TELLING YOU.
26. Ugh. Whiskey.
27. “I love brewing beer at home!!”
28. “Spending time with my niece and nephew” (do they know you’re on Tinder right now?)
28. ‘Harry Potter’ (This is a hook-up site and that is a children’s book).
29. “Working out” (/lying?)
30. “Good food”
31. “Music.” Nothing more specific than that. Just … music.
32. “I can’t believe I’m on this app.” (I can’t believe I swiped right on this profile.)
33. Laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
34. Adventuring
35. “Good times”
36. Their crazy cat!
37. Cinephile
38. Looking to meet new friends (on Tinder?)
39. “I’m only in town for the next ten minutes and I have no money … show me around!”
40. “It’s not the destination, it’s the [cliché]”
41. “I’M LAID BACK”
42. Tinderella
43. “Can’t stop thinking about where I’m going next”
44. “If you want to know more, message me”
45. “Just enjoying life”
46. “I’m a nerd lol”
47. “Please be hot lol”
48. “Girls just want to have fun lol”
49. Vegan baked goods
50. “Working hard/playing hard” (/being boring?)
51. “I am moving to [some far off destination] in like [ten seconds] let’s hang out!!!”
52. “Puns!”
53. “The oxford comma”
54. Photos featuring them hanging out with locals in far-off destinations
55. “I’m a comedian” (And they are not a comedian)
56. “I speak more than one language.”
57. SNL quotes
58. Political quotes
59. Quotes that end in “—me”
60. “Not looking for games”
61. “I’m an extrovert, and sometimes an introvert”
62. “420 friendly, wink”
63. “Kind of done with the dating scene”
64. People exercising, and sweating heavily
65. “I’m pretty sarcastic” (said earnestly)
66. Men who come out as feminists
67. “I’m an old soul at heart.”
68. “I’M DOWN-TO-EARTH”
69. White people who take photos of the (mostly) kids of color they “help”
70. 10 photos, all of them selfies from their phone
71. “Don’t be a creep”
72. “I enjoy having fun”
73. “I’m looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves so seriously”
74. “I’m not serious … and you shouldn’t be either” (Are you a clown?)
75. “I’M SPONTANEOUS!”
76. Bacon/bacon puns/bacon emoji
77. “Looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady right.”
78. “I’m old-fashioned”
79. Hikers, and the people who like them
80. “Must love dogs”
81. “Sunday trips to the Farmer’s market.”
82. Burritos, burrito puns, burrito emoji
83. “I’m really into fresh vegetables!!!”
84. “I like staying in on a Friday night and playing board games.”
85. Black-and-white photos
86. Warby Parker glasses
87. Photos featuring people doing yoga on the top of mountaintops
88. Photos where they’re posing with their friends and you can’t figure out which one they are
89. CROSSFIT!?!?!?!?!!
90. Saying just “hey” or “hi” in a message.
91. People who message repeatedly, even though you ignore them.
92. People who open the conversation with a dick joke (although, it depends on the dick joke)
93. People who open the conversation with an incomprehensible emoji
94. People who talk about how “unavailable” they are because they’re in grad school
95. Kale, kale puns, kale emoji
96. People who take photos with THEIR PARENTS
97. People with professional, black and white, headshots
98. The following books/authors: Infinite Jest, Calvin & Hobbes, Foucault
99. “I’m obsessed with podcasts.”
100. People who do all this and still swipe left — on you.